Disneyland!!!!

We were SO fortunate and blessed to be able to go to Disneyland while we were in California for two days. The kids have been before, but they are so young I seriously doubt they remember any of the visits.

This time, everything was different. Rylin was not only aware of where she was, but she now had people she HAD to meet. I knew the day would mostly be spend meeting characters, and that was fine. Grandma Russavage (Todd's Mom) was able to spend the entire day with us as well!

We stopped for a quick bite to eat before heading in. Rylin wasn't sure about wearing her ears, but she obliged for a photo at least.

After stopping in my old stomping grounds and saying hello at City Hall, I found Todd and the kids outside in the Firehouse under Walt's Apartment.

We then headed to the new and adorable Princess meet and greet area. It's right next to the castle, and the whole area is themed to look like it could be the village of any of the Princesses. We waited in line for an hour. I know that doesn't sound bad, but it hardly moved, and kids REFUSE to stand still. Plus, I did get a little spoiled being a VIP Guide and not having to wait in any lines at all.

I hate waiting.

While waiting, I ran into another previous co-worker, Marcel. He is so good with the kids and knows every trait about every character. He is wonderful!

At any rate, we finally got to meet our three Princesses!

First up was Sleeping Beauty:

In case you can't hear the video, Sleeping Beauty asked if Rapunzel did Rylin's hair because it's braided. She also told Rylin she liked her outfit because it's pink, and that's her favorite color. Rylin correctly responded with, "Aurora" when I asked her what Sleeping Beauty's name was.

We then got to meet one of the most important favorites: Ariel!!

Rylin: Where's Eric?

Ariel: Oh, he's at work.

Rylin: He'll come back later? 

(She always acts surprised when Todd or I come home from work and says, "You came back!")

I asked Rylin if Ariel had fins or legs, and she looked under Ariel's skirt and proudly proclaimed, "Legs!" I then asked her who gave Ariel legs, and she said, "Octopus!" meaning Ursula. 

We may or may not have watched this movie recently. A lot. 

Then we met a less familiar face: Mulan.

Rylin wasn't as thrilled with this encounter, but that's OK. Maybe she'll watch the movie more now.  

Maybe.

And that was it for 60 minutes of waiting. If you ask Rylin though, it was all worth it. I wanted to head to Pixie Hollow next to meet Tinker Bell and her friends, but there was no way we could wait in another 45+ min line. Instead we headed to "it's a small world" and enjoyed the Holiday version of Todd's "favorite" attraction. ;)

It was time to head to lunch, so we met up with more of Todd's family at Storyteller's Cafe. 

Two seconds after getting there, this was Rylin:

She only woke up briefly at dessert because she heard someone say the word, "cupcake." She opened her eyes, grabbed said treat, and fell back asleep while still managing to eat it. Talent.

Rylin and Evan each got very special gifts from the World of Disney store after lunch from Anne and Great-Granddad Tucker. We had to say goodbye to them too soon because we had the most important Princess to meet still.

There was a mix-up with the tickets which was our only hiccup in the day. They were back in the car in the parking structure. By the time we would be back, our most favoritest Princess would be gone!

Todd headed to grab the tickets and I somehow managed to convince the nice Disney folks to let us in (my hand-stamp had come off via diaper wipes even) and I RUSHED all the way to the back of the park in order to get in line in time to meet:

MERIDA!!!!!!!

She held Rylin for the longest time. I've heard this before, and sweet Merida must have as well. "When a child gives you a hug, never be the first one to let go. You never know how long they might need it."

As crazy as it sounds, it was getting dark already right after this picture was taken. I was finally able to meet up with Todd and the rest of our group.

Rylin then requested to "go on the teacups!" She picked the yellow one.

We went and got Evan his very own pair of ears, and then we headed to our place to watch the Christmas Fantasy Parade!

 Santa Claus!

After the parade we switched over to DCA (the other park on property) and ate dinner. Grandma watched the two kids so Todd and I and his friend could go on the Radiator Springs Racers attraction. It was awesome!!!!

I didn't take any more pictures that night for some reason. Probably because I was too exhausted at that point. Hard to believe I used to pull 16 hour days in heels, tights, and a plaid vest. Ah, to be young again.

We had such a fun day and I swear I ran into everybody I know that still works there. It was amazing and Rylin is watching me post this and has comments for everything. "I saw Merida! I went on teacups! That's Disneyland!"

Mission accomplished.

Well hello there!

A good friend recently told me, "Yeah I follow your blog. There's nothing lately!"

Point taken.

Here's where I don't waste your time with excuses.

Here's where I update and try to remember what I haven't said yet...

We moved to Utah at the end of May. Hooray!!

We are in Taylorsville, which is about halfway down the Salt Lake valley.  It's perfectly central to all of our various loved ones.

This is the street we live on. 

I am in LOVE with Fall.
LOVE.

I am working back at the same Macaroni Grill (by choice) I was in 2002. I am a server/trainer again and they are looking to promote me to bartender (aka more $$). I love it just as much now as I did then. The people are amazing. There are even 4 still there from 12 years ago. If that doesn't tell you something, just know that the average restaurant turnover rate is maaaybe 6 months.

Todd started out working with me there, and quickly got to learn how to be a line chef. Unfortunately, they didn't have enough hours for him so he had to look elsewhere for steady work.

I won't even bother wasting time on mentioning that place, and I'll just happily relate that he is now working full-time at a much better and more stable company. He works for multiple insurance companies that provide Medicare part D Rx benefits, on behalf of CVS Caremark, on behalf of Xerox. Say that 5 times fast. I still get lost trying to explain it to people. At any rate, it's challenging and complicated work. He works M-F from 7:00-3:30 which makes it hard in the mornings, but nice at night so that I can still go to work.

Of course we now only see each other for an hour a day at the kid hand-off, but we're finally able to maybe start paying our bills.

My computer died a month ago, and most of my blogworthy photos are still locked in the hard drive, so you'll just have to wait for Evan's 1st birthday (from June) and Rylin's first day of preschool (waaaaah!).

Our car needed some major work done (2 grand worth?!) in November so we could go on our road trip to California and Las Vegas. I'll post separately about those (promise!!).

So that's our life for now. I'm home with the kids during the day while Todd is at work. Rylin has preschool on Mon and Wed afternoons. She took (and was not thrilled with) a ballet class for 6 weeks. I work at nights. We all have Sunday off, which is our family day of rest.

We're maybe (hopefully) looking to move into a house when our lease is up next summer, but a LOT has to happen before then.

Obligatory witty end-of-post comment.

He cooks: Chicken Noodle Soup Pasta Sauce or Soup

So after I figured out how to home make Chicken Noodle Soup, I've been making it for Jena when she gets sick. Only one problem with that is, our kids don't eat soup. I don't know what it is, but they just aren't interested. Worse.. today they are all down with colds, likely due to the snowy weather. So while thinking how best to get a good dose of healthy soup down their gullets, I decided to do it in a pasta sauce.

So first.. the elements of a Chicken Noodle Soup:

1. 2 Cans Chicken Broth (16oz?) (2 Quarts for soup)
2. Butter
3. Olive Oil
4. Oregano (fine)
5. Green Onions
6. Onion Powder
7. Garlic Salt
8. Black Pepper
9. tiny dash of Cayan
10. Shredded Chicken
11. dash Red Pepper.

11. Egg Noodles.

12. Flour and butter

Method:

For the Base of the Sauce or soup I put 2 cans (or 2 Quarts) of Chicken Broth into a sauce pan, and turn on the heat to med hi. I add a bit of Olive Oil and the Spices. I want that group to simmer for a good 45 minutes to an hour. That way all the flavor will infuse with the Soup.

While the sauce is simmering, start the Sautee on the Chicken and Vegetables.

(I personally like to sautee the chicken in olive oil and garlic, Black pepper, Garlic Salt with a hint of red pepper, and THEN shred it. And set it aside (or 30 minutes into the Soup))

After the Flavors have been good and infused in the soup, and(/or) the sauce has been lightly boiling down for a while, it's time to start the pasta, as the next part wont take long.

For Sauce -  I add 2 tablespoons of butter and start slowly mixing in flour. Essentially I'm creating a Rou/Reduction, or a Gravy out of the soup. It takes me about 5-6 tablespoons of Flour and a good portion of the liquid from the soup should be boiled off. I rapidly stir the flour and try to get the clumps out as best as I can while maintaining a good heat. Once I can move the spoon across the bottom of the pan and notice the mixture is slow to return, I add the chicken and mix it up good.

Egg Noodles are the tradition for Chicken Noodle soup, and any other pasta just doesn't taste correct. Mix it in, and serve on a plate.

Pictures to come when I have time.

He Cooks: BASICS: Italian Restaurant tid bits.

Basics to have around:

Caramelized Onions:

Yellow Sweet Onions, Julienned
Canola Oil
Whole Butter
Sea Salt
Black Pepper
Zinfandel White Wine

Heat Oil and butter
Add Onions
When Onions beging to turn golden brown add salt and pepper
Just before they are finished add wine to de-glaze the pan and finish.

Roasted Potatoes: 

Quarter and add salt water, Boil for 15 -20 minutes.
In a bowl add Canola Oil, rosemary, salt, pepper, panko bread crumbs. Bake 25 minutes

Lemon Butter Sauce: 

4 pounds of Butter, 6 Lemons
Garlic, Shallots, White wine. heavy cream to a bit of butter and sautee garlic and shallots.

Pesto: 

Arugula, parsley, garlic, romano, parmesan, olive oil, red wine vinegar, red pepper flakes.. blend.

Bruchetta:

Diced Tomatos, Thin Sliced Garlic, Pomodrina, Olive Oil, basil, Salt Pepper.

Pizza Sauce: 

Tomoto Puree, Olive Oil, Oregano, Salt, Pepper.

Final prep for Meatballs:

Meat, Cheese, caramelized onions, eggs.

Hold in red pepper, pomodinra and parn cheese.

Dishes

Pene Rustica:

6 shrimp, Shallots, Canola Oil. Proschuto Sautee until shrimps have color.
Add sliced roasted chicken
Add Sauce.

Mushroom Ravioli:

1 - 1 1/2 handfulls of sliced mushrooms
2 oz of canola oil

into a hot pan

add
2 oz Marsala Wine
Caramelized Onions
2 oz Heavy Cream?

Cook off the alcohol from the wine. Should take less than 3 minutes.

Not This Again

Soooo I wasn't going to blog about it this time.

But I am sad today.

I am not pregnant. Still. Again.

We stopped not trying in February.

We started trying in March.

We thought for sure we had it this last month.

Nope.

Where's some chocolate?

When It Rains...

...it flash floods??

No seriously.

Today sucked trashcans!

We have been without gas (meaning hot water) for almost 48 hours. No dishes, no baths, no showers, no laundry. Let's just say Questar gas can go swearword. Their customer "service" can be summed up with this: "Oh, you don't like our policies? Too bad! You can just go somewhere else for your natural gas needs. Oh wait, hahahahaha no you can't!"

We were also without power for four hours today. This was just scheduled maintenance, but they said between 8 and 1, and it ended up being 11 and 3. Grrrrrrrr.

Rylin had her first day of ballet class. She talked about it all day long and then when it was time to participate, "I don't want to!" Fight, glare, pout, etc.

After class I picked up some milk on the way to get Todd from work. While waiting for him in the parking lot, the car overheated. My Honda that has never given me problems. Overheated.

Kids starting to cry because they are hungry and we're not moving.

My phone was about to die at any second because I couldn't charge it because the power was off at the wrong time, and the insurance lady is jabbering on about what repair facility we can take it to without being charged a "storage" fee for overnight.

Todd's phone was dead too.

The tow truck was an hour out.

Did I mention I had picked up milk?

The tow truck calls me right before my battery cuts out to find out where we are because he's in the wrong place. He's at 500 West, we're at 500 East.

Somehow managed to get everyone and everything home. We'll deal with the car tomorrow. Somehow?

Aaaaand the gas still isn't turned on. They were supposed to be here between 7 AM and 6 PM. Yup. That's right. AN 11 HOUR WINDOW.

Got the phone charging.

Called PEST QUESTAR to find out what happened.

"Oh the technician turned the gas back on."

"When exactly?"

"Hmm, looks like it was at noon."

"Why didn't he knock on the door and let me know that it was back up?"

"Some technicians do, some don't. It's their prerogative and they don't have to."

"So what do I have to do now?"

"[technical mumbo jumbo including messing around with the meter outside] But if you don't feel comfortable doing so, have your apartment maintenance staff do it for you."

"But they're not here right now."

"Then use the after-hours emergency number."

One call to the landlord later, we decided to forgo the $30 "emergency" charge and Todd went outside with a flashlight and figured it out himself.

Now I can wash a pot so that we can make dinner.

We must have some serious blessing ahead of us, 'cause this is how I feel today...

He Cooks: Chipotle Chicken Ranch Salad.

Chipotle Ranch Dressing

1 chipotle chile from a can of chipotle chiles in adobo sauce
2 teaspoons fresh lime juice
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro leaves
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup buttermilk
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon dried oregano leaves, crumbled
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, or to taste

Place all ingredients in a blender; cover then blend until smooth.  Use immediately or refrigerate in a covered container.  Dressing may be kept, refrigerated, for up to one week.

10 Things Your Server Wants You to Know (part 1)

Before I get lynched or trolled for writing this, these are coming from MY PERSONAL experience as a server. Not all restaurants are the same, but I have generally found the following to be true. 


1. When figuring out the tip, 15% is where you START.

Forget what Gramps taught you when he gave the server $25 on a check that totaled $22.63 and he told her to, "Keep the change!" and winked at her. That tip won't even buy her a tank of gas.

Here in the great state of Utah, I make a whopping $2.13 an hour.

Wow. 

That amount hasn't changed for 22 YEARS. We're talking 1991 people. That was when a cease-fire ended the Persian Gulf War and the Soviet Union broke up after Gorbachev's resignation. Do you even remember 1991? Was anyone even alive back then?!

I was going to list all the states where this is sadly the case, but decided against it because it doesn't matter. Tip your servers regardless, it's what they live on. 

You should tip 15% to 20% to your server. Tipping 5%-10% is a slap in the face. You should always tip your server unless they have completely failed to provide you good service and/or are extremely rude or offensive to you.

Some important items to keep in mind when tipping:

Your server is NOT responsible when any of the following occur:

• Your food is too cold (or hot)
• Your food does not taste good (or does)
• The silverware has spots
• The restaurant is too cold (or too warm, or too crowded)
• There are not enough servers on the clock
• There is not a hostess to great you at the door
• There is not a booth available
• The only open table is near the bathroom
• There are not enough cooks on the clock
• The cooks like to goof off and hate the servers 
• The cooks take too long (or forget) to make your food
• The cooks take longer when you server asks them where your food is
• The bartender is busy (or slow, or a jerk) and your bar drink (which is ANYthing other than soda) is taking forever to be made
• The restaurant is out of a particular item (food or drink)
• The restaurant no longer makes your favorite dish
• They cannot serve you alcohol because you don't have an ID, you're underage, or you're drunk already

Your server IS responsible for the following:

• Greeting you in a timely and friendly manner (we're talking a few minutes here)
• Knowing what the specials/features are for the day
• Offering you something to drink and returning within a few minutes (see comment on bar drinks)
• Knowing the menu and offering suggestions
• Taking your order and entering it correctly
• If they brought your food to you, that it is the correct food
• Checking back (most places have a two minute/two bite rule) to make sure everything is OK
• Correcting any problems that arise
• Getting refills (remember, some restaurants restrict refills of free things like bread to be ONLY IF/WHEN the guest requests it)
• Clearing your plates (get out of the way, don't lean over your plate as they are trying to clear)
• Presenting your check and returning it promptly (see comment on split checks and cash payments)
• Thanking you for coming in

If you're having problems figuring out 15% of a check that comes to say $44.18, here's an easy way to do so. First, find 10% which shouldn't be too hard. In this case, $4.42 (don't be cheap, round up! it's a penny!!). Then, take half of the amount you just figured (half of $4.42 is $2.21). Now, add the two together ($4.42 + $2.21 = $6.63). Ta Da! Now give yourself some good karma and round up to the next whole dollar.


2. Don't get mad when your server asks if you want a non-water drink, an appetizer, a salad, and dessert at the end.

They're called add-ons and pretty much every restaurant everywhere requires us to ask you about them. We get measured, scored, and reviewed based upon these. Every server is expected to have a certain PPA (per person average), and it's usually an average of at least $5 more than your entree.

So don't be a jerk about it or try to say how full you are and couldn't possibly order dessert. If it were free you'd suddenly have room, right? Just tell us politely, "No, thank you." and we won't be offended.

Basically, don't be this guy:

"Servers get ranked according to how much they can squeeze out of each customer. Their tip depends on their PPA and a restaurant's overall sales depend on servers' PPAs. The servers at the bottom of this list get an earful as to why they're not selling more side salads, alcohol, desserts and the like.
Therefore, it's a battle between me and my server -- and to the victor goes the moolah. As much as my waiter tempts me to go for all the "add-ons," I in turn fight to keep the tab down."

You don't need to battle or fight us. Promise.


3. Manners, manners, manners!

This should just be a common sense item, but I am amazed at how many people forget this. 

• Say please and thank you
• Make eye contact with your server and acknowledge their presence
• Don't interrupt. Rude! I was right in the middle of talking about our wine selection when a lady, wthout even looking up, said, "I'd like some of that balsamic vinegar." There wasn't even bread on the table yet!!
• Remember we are your servers not your servants
• Tell us ahead of time if you're going to split the check
• Don't linger. Take a good look around. If you're the only table in the section/restaurant, chances are you are holding people up from going home. 
• Be patient! When all of you decided to split the check and everyone pays with cash. NO server ALIVE can change more than one or two $20 bills. This now means we have to go to the bartender, wait for them to acknowledge us, and then figure out how many of each bill (and coin!!!) we need to give everyone the correct change. 

4. Tip your server EXTRA when any of the following situations occur:

• You are dining with young children
• You had any part of your meal comped or you used a gift card. Just because your check is now a lower amount does not mean your server worked less.
• You ran them ragged asking them for something else every time they were at your table
• You split a meal because you're "not that hungry" and ate four loaves of free bread
• You're a teenager
• You're from Idaho
• You're from out of the country (gratuity is NOT included in the price of the meal, grazie!)
• You are part of a large party
• You didn't pay for the meal but Gramps did
• You lingered
• You split the check 
• You split the check on a party of more than two and you all. paid. with. cash.

 5. When your server is trying to place your food in front of you, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.

Again,  you'd think this would be common sense. I have stood there with both hands full, them looking at me and they don't move a single inch. 

Get your damn elbows off the table and lean back. My fingerprints are burning off more and more with each agonizing second you just stare at me. 

As a funny observation, no matter how your server places your food in front of you, you feel the sudden urge to reposition the plate. Don't even try to deny it. It's awesomest when I've just told you how hot the plate is and you still do it. 
  

I'm Trying

Just call me Sisyphus. Minus the whole chronic deceitfulness thing.

I am trying:

• to make the best of our new apartment even though it was previously inhabited by smokers and there is extensive water damage.
• to not take it personally that a manager at work is being a power-hungry jackass and doesn't think I'm enough of a "team player" to work in the bar.
• to not stress out about the lack of hours Todd is getting scheduled which is forcing me to pick up as many shifts as I can.
• to not worry about how our bills are going to get paid each month.
• to not panic that we aren't pregnant yet after four months of trying, and more than that of not not trying. 
• to not hate my body's shape.
• to not get frustrated with Todd or the children on an hourly basis.
• to get caught up with laundry.
• to get caught up on dishes.
• to unpack more boxes and make this place feel more like home.
• to not compare myself to others so much.
• to try to think of a good enough reason to tell my Dad why we didn't Skype him today after Todd and I had a fight.
• to not be depressed on Sundays and not want to go to church because that means I have to smile, be nice, and socialize.
• to have patience through all of this.
• to not break down and cry right now.

He Cooks: Spaghetti Sauce (Bolognese Sauce)

This actually started from a Missionary companion, was forgotten, and then Jena searched out something similar. We used to buy Prego all the time, and once we made a decent home sauce we realized just how bad Prego was. Ugh. Can't go back now!

Ingredients:

1 pound of Ground Beef
1 cup diced green onion
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 bay leaf
salt and ground pepper
1 can diced tomatoes
2 cans of tomato sauce
1 cup water
1 tablespoon butter

Method:

Heat the skillet, and a bit of Olive Oil. Add the Ground Beef and Onion, and 1 tablespoon of minced garlic. Saute until browned.

Once the beef is browned, add the diced tomatoes, tomato sauce and water. Then add the Oregano, garlic powder, salt, pepper, and bay leaf. bring to boil then reduce to medium low. Simmer for at least an hour to an hour and a half.

He Cooks: Homemade Spanish Rice

Jena doesn't like the Mexican Rice-o-Roni I've been using in a lot of my dishes and I've had a hankering for a Spanish themed rice. On top of that we have a massive overage of whole black beans from a reunion we went to recently.

So I did a bit of research and came up with my own recipe:

Ingredients:

2 cups white rice
Olive Oil and Butter
2 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 cup chunky salsa
1/2 bunch of green onions chopped

Salt
Minced Garlic
Onion Power
Chili Powder
'Natural Seasonings'
Green Chilies
a pinch of Red Pepper flakes

1 Cup Frozen Corn
Can of Whole Black Beans
3 cups Shredded Cheese.

Method:

Fry the white rice in the Olive Oil and butter. Once it's starting to look golden brown, add the spices and staute a bit. Then add the Chicken Broth and Salsa to it. Cover and cook on low for 20 minutes.

After 15 minutes add the frozen corn.

Once finished immediately mix in 2 cups and top with the last cup of shredded cheese and then remove from heat.

Theory: The shredded cheese will balance out the heat from the chili powder and red pepper, but keep the flavor.

Go, Rylin, Go!

One of Rylin's most favorite shows EVAR is Go Diego Go! She would watch this all day long if we let her. Thankfully it is no longer on Netflix so she has had to expand her horizons to more relevant and social-conscious shows. You know, like My Little Pony and Powerpuff Girls.

Anyway, Diego is Dora the Explorer's less-obnoxious cousin. He goes out and rescues animals that are in "danger." These aren't your typical animals either, oh no.

Well maybe they are typical to South America, but  you don't see too many chinchillas in Utah...

 

or okapis

 or marmosets.

Every once in a while we'd see something normal. Like a red-eyed tree frog.

 

I was fine with the unusual animals because Rylin already knew cat, dog, sheep, pig, cow, horse, chicken, bird, turtle, elephant, giraffe, goat, fish, mouse, spider, bug, tiger, lion, dragon, dinosaur, snake, frog, monkey, unicorn, pony, seahorse, octopus, duck, bear, dolphin, penguin, zebra, well you get the point. She knew a LOT. She could also make the accompanying noises for these animals.

But then something odd happened. I heard her saying "sea star" over and over. I looked down at what she was pointing to and said, "Oh, that's a starfish!" She promptly corrected me with, "No, Mommy. THAT'S a sea star." Well, color me surprised. Apparently that is their correct name.

Then she started differentiating bears: koala, polar, brown, etc.

She would point out "crocodile" on Evan's jammies.

She told me what the indistinct puppet on the TV was: "otter!"

 A blue otter? Really?! All the other animals were their proper color!

On Evan's blanket: "hippo!"

She just kept surprising me.

My favorite came last week. Pointing to an outline of a large cat on a shirt: "puma!"

She's so smart it scares me sometimes...

Oh, and you can bet your biscuits that she was correctly identifying the animals as I posted the pics above. "Chin-chin-uh! Oh-coffee! Mar-set!

Adoption and Birth Mothers: What I Would Like You to Know

As you may or may not know, I placed a baby girl for adoption just over 11 years ago. For privacy reasons, I am not able to post any of her information for now. This isn't going to be much about our story either; I just would like to talk about some things that have been bothering me lately.


1. For starters, when it came down to making the decision I did, I would like you to know that I actually considered abortion for a while. I was staunchly pro-life up until that point. I can only say you will never know how you really feel about something until you have to go through it yourself. Thankfully, my older brother calmly talked me out of it. The birth father was livid and threatened to take me to court with a custody battle. He does not have the same values as I do, and I in no way wanted him in my life for the rest of my life. He finally relented to letting me place the baby for adoption with the caveat that he be left out of the rest of the process. He basically walked away and pretended it never happened. He even got married a short time later and never told her about any of it.

I also considered raising the baby myself with the support of my family. I was 22, had a good support network, and loved that little girl more than anything. I could have made it work, I know that. What finally changed my mind was when I re-re-re-re-re-read my patriarchal blessing. It's a special blessing (a kind of prayer said in our behalf) done by a designated elder in my church that provides guidance for the person receiving the blessing. It stated:

Your life will not be without challenges, your life will not be without difficulties, but your life will be successful, if based upon the principles of the gospel and a willingness to adhere thereto... (emphasis added)

I had received my blessing back in 1994, seven years prior to the decision I was making. There it was, plain and simple. The choice to raise my daughter on my own was not based upon the principles of the gospel. The only way she could ever be sealed to me was if someone came along and married me and legally adopted her. Then we would all be sealed together. Sealing makes possible the existence of family relationships throughout eternity, which is why we get married in a temple for time and all eternity instead of civilly/until death do us part. She could be mine, but not forever. I knew what I willingly had to do.

It was hard. Really. Really. Really. Really hard. I sobbed for days. I was in a dark place and it took weeks for me to feel anything other than pain. I was numb. I wasn't hungry and didn't eat. What sleep I got was restless. I wondered if I would ever feel that kind of love for any babies I might have in some unknown future.

Slowly I worked through the grieving process. My family, church, friends, and faith are what got me through. I would have good days, but then would see a little baby girl with dark hair the same age as mine and I would lose it.

What completed my healing process was time and distance. I moved to California, got a great job at Disney, met my husband (even though that took four years to happen), and finished school. I even got to see my baby girl again. Twice.  

I still think about her, especially around her birthday. I long for the day when I get to meet her again. I have to wait until the timing is right. She has two other adopted siblings in her family, and I have been asked to wait until they get to meet their mom too. So I have contact with her adoptive Mom, just not much. It's better than nothing though, and I know I get to see her again (relatively) soon.


2. All the adoption books/songs seem to talk about the birth mom being some rebellious/irresponsible teenager. While I am certain they represent a fair number, they certainly aren't the only scenario. Maybe it's someone who was raped, maybe it's a couple that can't afford to take care of another baby, or maybe it's a twenty-something college student who had some serious self-esteem issues and had given up on hoping for their happy ending because all their friends were married and nobody seemed interested in them.

And why does premarital sex seem to be the only way someone can be rebellious? Just because the consequences of my decisions were visually obvious (pregnant belly) does NOT mean your kid isn't making any mistakes. Sometimes I wished everyone else's sins could be so obvious.


3. Adoption is still so so so so taboo. People mention it under hushed breath. I've had several acquaintances mention it was something they were looking into and almost all of them talk about it as if they were ashamed of even considering it. Sure. I get it. It's a sensitive subject and nobody really knows how to talk about it properly because NObody seems to talk about it. We all know how to fix that, right? Hint: TALK ABOUT IT. Now I don't mean gossip. AT. ALL. What I mean is this: if you have questions, ask! Teach your children that adoption is an OK thing! If they hear you be secretive about it, they will learn to adopt (see what I did there?) the same stance. Ask a birth mother their story. Ask an adoptive couple theirs. Ask an older adopted child what their thoughts are. Don't interrogate them obviously, but respectfully ask if they don't mind answering a few questions. Chances are they will be more than happy to share.


4. In the triangle of adoption, the birth parents are the only ones to lose something and not get anything in exchange.
Adoptive parents lose the chance to have biological children, but get children still.
The child loses their biological parents, but gets their adoptive parents.
The birth parents lose their child, and get you guessed it: nada.

Now before you chime in with, "But the birth parents get a fresh start at life, etc." just know that a fresh start at life does not ease the ache of empty arms that once held a sweet newborn baby.

What I am trying to say here is this, the next time you find out someone is a birth mother, don't say/ask any of these hurtful and unhelpful things:
I could never give my baby away.
Do you regret it?
Aren't you glad you don't have to take care of a baby now?
I wouldn't be strong enough to do that.
How could you ever do something like that?
You made the best decision, you know that right?

Try one of these instead:
That must have been really hard, how are you doing now?
If you ever want someone to talk to about it, I am here for you.
I'd like to know more of your story, do you mind sharing it with me?

And that's pretty much it. If they want to tell you more, they will.


5. I know you think I am strong, selfless, courageous, an angel, a saint, etc. I do appreciate you telling me so. I don't know how to respond when you praise me for my decision. I mumble out some awkward form of thanks. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me.

I don't feel strong, selfless, courageous, angelic, or saintlike. I feel sorrow, heartache, loss, grief, sadness, broken. I still do now and then even 11 years later.

Please don't be put off by my awkwardness. I just don't feel any of those nice things.


Now that I've made this post much longer than I originally intended, I am heading to ZzzZzz land for the night. Thanks for reading.

He Cooks: Shredded Beef Tacos/ Enchilladas

This started when looking for a recipe for Enchiladas, I ran across what looked like an excellent Shredded Beef base. My goal is to NEVER GO BACK TO GROUND BEEF unless making hamburgers. I couldn't wait to start it, but in the process of working with it, I quickly realized I needed to alter into something that wasn't tasteless.

After making this the first time, I am pretty sure there is a crockpot way to do this, but I don't speak crockpot yet.

Shredded Beef

Time: 2 1/2 hours. (Mostly unattended simmering)

Ingredients:

• 3 Rounds Chuck Roast
• 2 Tablespoons Chili powder
• 1 Tablespoon ground cumin, 
• 2 Teaspoons Crushed Garlic
• 1 Teaspoon Garlic Salt
• 1 Teaspoon Mixed Seasonings (
• 1 Tablespoon Butter
• 2 cups water
• 1 1/2 cups Beef Broth

Start by placing the roast in a pot or large saucepan that has a good lid. Pour the water over the roast, cover and simmer for 30 minutes.

Increase heat to medium/high, and brown the roast on all sides.

Once the water mostly has boiled away, (keep just a bit of the beef water) pour the beef broth, chili powder and Cumin in. Cover tightly and reduce heat to low. Simmer for 1 1/2 to 2 hours (set a timer!) or until the beef falls apart when you try to pick it up.

Take the beef out of the pan and shred the beef, using 2 forks or your fingers.

Place the now shredded beef back into the pan. There should be some great broth in with the shredded meat, to this add the Crushed Garlic, Garlic Salt, Butter, and Mixed Seasonings. Keep the everything on low, and stir everything together and let sit for a few minutes.

Turn off and let everything come down enough in temperature to use in where ever it's going.

Tacos

I prefer homemade hard taco shells with my tacos. 

Time: 5 minutes

Ingredients: 

Shells:

• Vegetable or Olive oil (which ever you prefer, I like Olive Oil because it is healthies but some say it leaves a faint olive taste.
• Flour Tortillas

My favorite Taco Ingredients

• Shredded Pepper Jack
• Shredded Cheddar
• Taco Bell hot sauce packets
• Tapatio 
• Salsa
• Lettuce
• Sour Cream
• Whatever else is your thang

Heat the oil in the pan.

Using a fork, lightly fry either side of the tortilla. And then, using the fork, fold the tortilla in half and let it fry until some areas are light brownish.

Pull off and put on a separate plate to cool, and eventually serve.

Once cooled to less than molten, layer the shells with the rest of the ingredients.

Enchillladas

Still workin this one out.

1

Update

Has it really been three months since my last post??

Crazy.

Well, here's what's happened in the meantime:

Turned 34. Blah.

Had the opportunity to maybe work for my company in Germany!!!!
Didn't happen. Blah.

Found out our landlord wanted us out after 4 years.
Couldn't find a place anywhere in Rexburg that fit our needs.
Moved to Rigby (15 miles away and closer to the "big" city of Idaho Falls).
On New Year's Eve. Blah.
Things were getting packed last-minute so we have no idea where anything is.
Have you ever watched Hoarders?
That's what our place has looked like since we moved in.
Day 1 back to work after moving I couldn't find the shower curtain.
We just barely found the screws for the TV stand so we could set it up.
The dishwasher doesn't clean.
I spent today trying to descale that beast.
The washing machine doesn't soften.
The prior tenants put A LOT of laundry detergent in the fabric softener section. WHY?!
The world may never know.

So, that's our life right now.

Cleaning.

Unpacking.

Cleaning.

Unpacking.

Cleaning.

In other news, Evan started crawling over Christmas while we were in Seattle!

He also has his two bottom teeth.

And he's having trouble pooping.

I know you really wanted to hear that last bit.

So, if you're wondering why you haven't heard from us or why we aren't returning phone calls, it's because things are crazy right now.

Oh, and we might be moving to Utah.

Soon.