Sour Grapes

Every day lately it seems as if I am being served sour grapes while other women are getting babies.

All the other October expecting moms are starting to share their news now that it's "safe" to. I kid you not, I have found out about three within the last week. One of them even has my due date. One of them wasn't even trying.

I want to be happy for them, and part of me is, but a bigger part of me scowls.

It's not fair.

More than half of my cousins on BOTH sides of my family and one of my sister-in-laws are having babies this year. I read the "Preggo Bunch" list in Relief Society every week, and I sulk at any new addition.

Good for them.

A few days after the miscarriage, I got called to provide a meal for a sister who just had a baby. Talk about bad timing. "Sorry you just lost your baby, but can you help out someone who is more fortunate than you?"

No, that is not what she said, nor did she probably have any idea what I was going though at the time, but it felt like a slap in the face.

Good for her.

I know this isn't how I should feel. Yes, I am throwing myself a pity party. No, I don't know how to start feeling better. Yes, part of me worries that Heavenly Father won't allow me to be pregnant until I repent and/or make things better with Todd. But that crack-head down the street is going to have an October baby. And I am not.

OK, there's no crack-head down the street (that I know of), but you know what I mean.

It sucks.

And I want to feel better about all of this. And I want to have a friend's house nearby that I can go to when I have bad days. But I live in Rexburg. You make friends with people and they move away three months later and never talk to you again.

I tried making the best of it when we started out in our new married ward. I was chatty, friendly, helpful. Then everyone moved away. The new batch wasn't as nice.  

So now I am stuck in a town and state that I loathe. I have resisted putting roots down knowing that we are only here temporarily. I have no group of friends here. 

So I pour my heart out into a blog and air my dirty laundry on Facebook. And I find myself quoting Wicked.

"That's why I couldn't be happier
No, I couldn't be happier
Though it is, I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I anticipated
But I couldn't be happier
Simply couldn't be happier
Well - not "simply":
'Cause getting your dreams
It's strange, but it seems
A little - well - complicated
There's a kind of a sort of cost
There's a couple of things get lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed
Until you've crossed
And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still -
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
Who
Wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?"

Walking!!

Rylin has been walking for a few weeks now, so this video is from then. It makes me laugh every time. She has post-pigtail crazy hair and says her favorite word.