The Luckiest Girl in the World

My mind is heavy and my heart is full.

I just finished reading Stephanie Nielsen’s book, Heaven is Here.

Please forgive me as I try to organize all the different thoughts and emotions that are taking center stage within me right now.

I have mentioned before that I envy her. And I still do. Again, not because of the terrible tragedy that occurred, but because of who she is and what she has.

Prior to the accident, she readily admitted that she had everything she ever wanted. After reading her memoir, I have to agree. Did this girl ever want for anything growing up? Ever?? She had a large family that obviously adores and cares for each other, loving grandparents and parents that lived their own fairy-tale love stories, and what can only be described as a charmed life. It’s hard not to compare my fractured youth with hers and NOT be envious.

And then I got to read about how beautiful she KNEW she was and all about her Disney-worthy courtship, wedding, and marriage. And THEN to add insult to injury, I read about her four darling, perfect children that came when she wanted them to. Everything was perfect! Oh sure she was upset about being away from her family for a few years, and she was really sick throughout all of her pregnancies, but even she acknowledged those were small prices to pay for all the wonderful things she had in her life. She was born to be a wife and mother and it comes second-nature to her in a way that it never has for me.

She is one of those people that I thought about when I heard Elder Holland’s talk this last General Conference. Oh, and she knows him personally, by the way. He basically said to not let other’s happiness cause you grief. Heavenly Father loves all equally, and we are ALL entitled to the same eternal blessings.

As I was reading the book, I would glance up at Todd every once in a while. He is done with school now and is reveling in his freedom. I tried to look at him and see him as the man I fell in love with. I ignored all the inconsequential fodder that I have allowed to block my vision lately. Todd loves me. He loves Rylin. He loves the baby boy squirming within my abdomen right now. He might not always complete tasks on the same timeline as everyone else, but he completes them. He wants to provide, protect, and preside over this family. He might not show me he cares in the manner I wish him to, but he does so consistently in his own way. He needs me. He depends upon me. And I haven’t always been there for him. I have resented him for his shortcomings. I have not been the wife that I wanted to be, nor the partner I promised to be.

I have been extremely short on patience with Rylin lately. She’s been on-and-off sick and teething since the beginning of December. Todd has been busy and sick as well, which means I feel like a single parent sometimes (I am quite certain he does too). I felt like I needed to fight for my “me time” and would sometimes ignore Rylin just so I could have time to do something by myself. I sincerely hope she doesn’t remember these last few months. She is too young to understand what is going on. All she knows is that Daddy and Mommy haven’t been the same to her lately. Her type of crying and her eyes show the confusion and hurt she is feeling.

She has started pulling her lower lip in when she cries. It makes her look like a kid I was counselor for at camp. This kid was a nightmare. She punched, hit, bit, and kicked the other girls. She was deceitful and manipulative so that you would feel sorry for her and then she would betray you. Oh, and she was 10. She almost got sent home from camp, and was not accepted back the next year. Needless to say, when Rylin is sobbing and turns in the doppelganger of that girl, it’s impossible for me to look at her and feel love, pity, compassion, anything other than contempt. That’s great mothering, isn’t it? I can’t even stand the sight of my child in that state, so I tell her to stop crying and I turn away. All she knows is that I am abandoning her when she just wants to be comforted. My daughter. The baby I wanted so desperately for 12 years. The little one we rejoiced over and prayed for.

I fed her dinner later than usual the other night. Todd was finishing up some last-minute school work on campus. I was at the end of a very long few days, and was just trying to get another load of dishes done before I passed out. Rylin had to wait in her chair for several minutes after she was finished eating so that I could start the dishwasher. She became impatient and started whining and crying. I tried to entertain her with songs as best I could and let her know I was almost done. I gave up singing when it had no effect. I lost it. I snapped my head around and yelled, “STOP IT!” Of course this just made her cry even harder. I finished my task, retrieved her, and instead of giving her a bath like usual, I just put her to bed, sticky hands and all. I was done. I knew I had to get her to calm down or she wouldn’t go to sleep at all. I put Peter Pan (current favorite) on while I changed her. I turned everything off and had her climb into bed. We said prayers and sang her night-night song. Before I got up, I told her I was sorry that I yelled at her and asked her if she would please forgive me. She hesitated for a second, but decisively said, “Yes!” She then said, “Hug” and reached her little arms out toward me. This almost brought tears to my eyes. After she has been in time out, we have her say sorry, then we tell her we love her, and then ask for a hug. Here was my two-year-old reminding me of the proper steps of an apology.

As I said my prayers last night, I thought of Rylin’s innocence. Of her unconditional love for me. How she readily forgives me and forgets how I have failed her. I know this won’t last. She won’t always be so resilient. I cringe to think that I will be responsible for her losing that.

It didn’t take a near-fatal airplane crash, more than 80% of my body burned, and millions of dollars in medical bills for me to feel like giving up. No, my torture consisted of three divorces of my parents, being on Church welfare after my Dad left, a defunct metabolism and the resulting self-esteem issues, placing my daughter for adoption, a miscarriage, fights with Todd, problems finding work, debt, abandonment issues, and just about losing everything that ever really mattered to me. Same as Stephanie.

But at the end of the day, I find myself even MORE like her than I thought.

I still have a husband that loves me even if I am flawed.

I still have a daughter who loves me despite my failings.

I still am able to have more children.

I still have the gospel.

I still have a Heavenly Father that loves me and will never give up on me. Ever.

And THAT makes me (and you), the luckiest girl in the world.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Some people...

... NEED to hear themselves sometimes.

I have a dear fellow-mother, that likes to chit-chat with me now and then about helpful Mom tips. She is fortunate enough to not have to work since her husband does, and has been able to stay at home with all of her children since the day they were born. Me, not so much. She is very laid back about most things, and doesn't tend to plan out all of the details. My job title includes the word, "planner" if that tells you anything. I plan. It's what I do. I like to be prepared. She has different house rules than I do (we don't allow shoes in the house, she does; we don't eat outside of the kitchen, they do; etc.) and instead of focusing on things like vacuuming, moping, keeping sticky little hands off of every single surface in the house, keeping toys clean, etc., she focuses on spending time with her children instead. Not that there's anything wrong with spending time with your children, but when I have to wear shoes in someone's house so that my feet don't get coated in a layer of some neglected spilled-and-now-mostly-dry liquid and then a veritable granola of miscellaneous dried food particles, I get uneasy. So when our kids get together, sometimes our parenting styles... clash. I have learned to let things go for the most part and have never said a word about my uneasiness to her. I acknowledge that the interaction is temporary and that soon I can retreat to the safety of my own home.

There have been a couple instances of careless comments tossed my direction though. I honestly don't think she means to insult me with these, but in making these statements it is very clear how she feels about how I choose to parent my children, and that she would never resort to something so heinous as the following: 


1. We travel a LOT. It is very hard to feed your children nutritiously on the go without packing more than the ton of gear you already do. We loooooooove the very handy organic pureed baby food that you can buy in convenient pouches. AMAZING!!!! Even as a toddler, Rylin still loves these. I can't tell you how many times these have let us be at church on time and let us stay for everything! No spoons, no jars, easy to hand to a hungry child in a car seat. Oh, and they are a blend of veggies and fruits which are SO hard to get while traveling.

I was extolling the virtues of these ingenious little pouches to my friend. She asked how much they were and I replied that they ranged from $1 to $2 depending upon size and brand. She scoffed and remarked how expensive that was. I said sure if you were using them on a daily basis, but for now and then it was better (and healthier) than fast-food. Then came the comment that I wish I could have recorded, "Well, I never bought or used jarred baby food for my children. I made all of my baby food for my kids."

Well pin a rose on your nose! If it's possible for someone to brag without intending to put others down in the process, that's what she does. All she needed to say was, "Oh, we never ended up using jarred baby food" and her point would have come across just fine. For the record, I ALSO made MOST of our baby food. I just chose to be hassle-free when it came to traveling. 


2. Rylin's hair gets becomes a mess if I don't restrain it. It's so fine that it will just float about her face. Couple that with a messy toddler's eating habits, and you're looking at three baths a day. No thank you! So I try to be a little more creative with her hairstyles when I have the time. In order to get her to sit still for any amount of time, I put on Backyardigans or VeggieTales which each have plenty of songs and keep her from jerking her head all over the place. Even then I can only get ten minutes max.

One day we were over at the same friend's house and she asked me to do her girls' hair in the same style that I had done Rylin's. No problem, except that I swear I have never seen these kids with clean hair. Ever. Even straight out of the bathtub. I had to use detangling spray just to work through the clumps of...???? matted in with the hair. My friend praised my work and said that Rylin always had the cutest hair styles. I thanked her for the compliment and didn't think much else about the subject.

Until recently. My friend and her kids were over at our house. We were all getting ready to go somewhere, and I sat Rylin down to do her hair. I put VeggieTales on since Rylin had been acting up anyway, and I knew it would be the only way to keep her still for even a minute. Halfway through starting to comb the hair, my friend says, "OH, I had no idea this (meaning the TV) was how you got her to sit still!!"

Blink blink. What am I supposed to do? Tie her down? Shave it all off and not deal with it until she's older?

I managed to sheepishly say, "It's the only way to prevent Rylin from moving her head all over the place." Then I started wondering why it was such a bad thing to let my daughter watch a few minutes of wholesome cartoons. Who was this lady to come into MY home and criticize how I got things done.

Before I could say anything further, she came out with the straw that broke this camel's back.

"You know, some people are good at doing hair. Not me! But getting my kids to read by the time they are two?! I am really good at that!"

I wanted to point out that her 18-month-old currently isn't saying anything other than a belligerent, "Ma!" right now and that I don't think he's going to be reading by her established deadline. But I didn't. Instead I kept smiling and doing Rylin's hair.



3. We have a name chosen for our new baby boy. We haven't shared it with too many people, but she happens to be one of them. She managed to make THREE comments about it within 24 hours to me.

1. "SO! Gryffon, huh? Just like Gryffindor in Harry Potter? Heh heh heh." 
2. (to Todd) "I'm not really sure about Gryffon!"
3. (when Todd mentioned a name he liked) "I like that one even LESS than I like the other one!"

My responses to her at the time were just a smile. But now I have to get it out. First of all, Harry Potter is NOT where we got the name, and our name is just a PART of a longer name used in that book. AND the book was an international best-seller!! Why is she bringing it up as if it were something bad?? As if we should be ashamed to be connected to that book in any way? It is not a weird name by ANY means, and everyone else has loved it when we tell them what it is. And who cares if she "isn't sure" about the name?!?!?! It's not HER kid!!!! Enough with trying to dissuade me from the name I LOVE because YOU think I should take into consideration what YOUR thoughts are on the matter!!!!!



So that's my rant for tonight. I had to get it off my chest somewhere. Thanks for letting me.