Scary

*This entry contains information regarding blood and other pregnancy related details. Read at your own discretion.*



I've written before that it's hard to be overly excited when you're pregnant after a loss. Every twinge or odd sensation sends me off into a spin of, "What was that?! Am I losing the baby?!"

It's especially bad because I know the stress is not good for myself or the baby. Telling yourself to calm down just doesn't seem to work. Distraction sometimes does.

I've been having a few episodes of what is called "spotting" or otherwise seeing blood when you're not supposed to. I called the Midwife and been directed twice now within the last month to come in and get checked out. Both times they have determined everything is "OK" and I might just have to deal with this throughout my entire pregnancy.


Awesome.


At least part of the making-sure-everything-is-fine process meant I got another ultrasound and saw the tiny little heart beating away. I also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. It's "high" at about 160 which in old wives' tales means it's a girl. I'm OK with that. :) I hope we can wait to find out. Maybe. Part of me is worried the tech might blurt it out or not have us look away at the right time.

The nausea hasn't let up as much as I hoped. I am officially at the start of my 2nd trimester when everything is "supposed" to ease up. Meh. It's for sure not as frequent (meaning all day every day), but it's still often enough and severe enough to take me out of commission.

All that being said, I am so so so so so SO grateful that I am pregnant again, even with all the grossness. I continue to have friends and family members that are struggling with infertility and my heart aches for them. Infertility sucks, and there's really nothing that can be said to ease that pain.

So I will put my big-girl pants on and deal with the heartburn and the nausea and the bloating and the cravings and the exhaustion, because I know it is all. So. Worth. It.

I am...

... a Time Lady. I have two hearts.

... spaghetti sauce. Not Ragu. The other one.

... embarazada. No, not embarrassed.

... a baker. Specializing in buns right now.

... sick. I have the Egyptian Flu.

OK, if you haven't guessed it by now, I am pregnant!! Due July 29th.

We found out while we were in California (I was 5 weeks along) over Thanksgiving break, but I had a feeling I was. Not just because of the nausea, or the cravings, or the sore boobs. I just had a feeling.

We told Todd's Mom we needed to go to the dollar store. She got confused as to why, so we told her we needed to buy some pregnancy tests. Her eyes got really big, she clapped her hands together and said, "Oh! Really?! I can drive you there and buy them for you!"

She was so excited to wait with us for the result. I wasn't given the option of waiting until the morning (hormones are higher then). The second line came up immediately, before I could even walk out of the bathroom. It was faint, but it was there. And that's all that matters.

We waited to announce it to the world because of the miscarriage. My midwife said it best, "Once you have a miscarriage, your innocence is gone." It's true. We both (even still) have that little dark corner in our minds that is terrified of losing the baby at any time. We aren't focusing on that though. Making it past week 7 is the first milestone. Hearing the heartbeat is the next. Because of insurance, I had to wait longer than I'd like for that to happen. It did today so here we are!

The head is on the left and the funny squiggly lines are arms and legs. We got to see the baby wiggling all around and even what looked like a bounce. AMAZING.

We aren't finding out the gender this time (if we can be that patient!). We already have one of each, and this will be our only chance of having that "It's a ....!" moment.

We wanted a girl first. Check. We wanted a boy second. Check.

We want a girl next, but both think it's another boy. We shall see.

We want four total with two of each. Lately though, it feels more like "We just want a healthy baby. Period." It took us 9 months this time. It finally happened the month I stopped planning everything. As I've said before, trying to make a baby takes all the fun out of trying to make a baby.

My age of 35 automatically puts me into the "advanced maternal age" group.

Blah.

Basically it means a bunch of extra genetics testing because of the higher possibility of birth defects. Oh and there's an increased risk of stillbirths for some unknown reason.

I'm also choosing not to focus on any of that.

I am focusing on a healthy, positive pregnancy. I have a midwife that I like. I'll get to labor in the jacuzzi again. I might (fingers crossed) get to have the water birth I've been wanting.

For now though? Hand me the saltines and the ginger ale.

I am... OK

No baby news for me yet. Though every month that goes by I hear of another lucky cousin or friend.

At least I am starting to feel happy for them. Mostly. Sort of.

My Doctor is going to start fertility testing in two months if we haven't gotten pregnant by then. Funny that. The month I was due will be the month they begin looking in to why we are having such a hard time.


In other news, Todd might be getting an internship in another state this semester. This is good news, but we aren't sure how to proceed either way. He only has one semester left, and we just want to get. out. of. Idaho. So we don't know what to do... leave and then come back? Ew... Finish first then begin the hunt? It will be interesting to see how things pan out.


I am on day 5 of my fifth Master Cleanse. It has been my hardest so far and I don't know why. I want to eat EVERYTHING. Right now I am drooling for THIS. It will be on the menu for next week. Probably Monday. Yes. I have decided. Monkey, good thing you like avocados and garlic!


Our truck overheated while we were down in Utah last weekend. I have to take this Friday off just so we can be down there when a mechanic is available. Two things I want to know: how are we going to pay for this and why don't mechanics work on Saturdays???


I wrote a list of the things that I am not currently happy about. I also wrote an action plan on what I could do about each of those items. I like lists. It's what I do. I have started implementing some of my plan. It's two steps forward, and one step back.


We still can't pay rent next month, and I still don't know how things are going to work out. But they will. Somehow.


So, I am OK. For now. I need to just breathe and get through these next five days.

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

I Want a Do-over of Today

I am not having a good day.


Todd was up all night reading next to me with his light on. At 5:00 in the morning I whimpered something about not having gotten any sleep and to please turn the light off. An hour later Rylin woke me up. Two hours later I had to say good-bye to wonderful friends that spent the weekend with us. I fed Rylin breakfast, bathed her, did the dishes, did more laundry, and put her down for a nap all on my own. I sat down to eat something myself four hours after being awake.


We were late to church and only made it to Sacrament Meeting. Rylin acted up the WHOLE time; would not sit still, would not be quiet. It's right during her afternoon nap time. Grumble. I haven't heard a whole talk since before she was born. I remember the speaker mentioning something about our struggles in life and to just "get over it." I wanted to scream. I Found out yesterday that I am still not pregnant. :(


I made a delicious dish the other night, that has all kinds of good things that Todd likes in it. He left half his bowl untouched, so I figured he got full and would finish it later. When we got home from church, he made a NEW bowl of the same stuff. I offered to let him combine the two, but he told me he left the other sitting out on purpose; that it had stuff in it he didn't like.

?????

He was eating that SAME stuff at that exact moment!!!! Okay....


Our home teachers (that we love) came over and one of them brought their young son. I don't mind if people do this, if they ask first. He didn't, but held the boy the entire time, so destruction was thankfully avoided. When they just set them loose in my house, without so much as batting an eye, or just watching their child destroy things, I want to ask them never to come again. I looked forward to this visit. We have needs that I hope can be met through them. The first thing they mentioned was that dinner was waiting for them at home so this needed to be a quick visit. Really? Gee, thanks. I certainly feel cared about and loved. They didn't even bother sitting down.


Right after they arrived, Todd knocked his bowl of stuff-he-didn't-like-but-was-eating-now over the side of the couch. My back was turned, but I knew that sound. It got on the wall, the floor, the speaker cord, and my yoga mat and band. I looked at him for confirmation, and all he gave me was a big, goofy, grin.

I wanted to strangle him. I have anger problems, and say things I shouldn't when I get mad. So I CHOSE not to say anything, but went silently over to start cleaning it up. He started eating it off the floor with his fork (his way of "helping"), and I asked him to stop. As I was scooping things up, he said IN FRONT OF THE HOME TEACHERS, "I don't appreciate that look you gave me." I had to bite my tongue as to not say anything more than what I did with, "I don't appreciate food being spilled everywhere." He retorted with, "It was an accident!" I could only reply, "Accidents still need to be cleaned up." This was all within four feet of our home teachers.


After they left, we had an argument. He said my look was belittling to him and that I had to be "dealt with" because I had "gotten out of control." THAT is why he chose to embarrass me by "dealing" with me in front of them. He was too angry to pull me aside and privately tell me that my look upset him.

Our argument escalated, he stormed off (as usual), and I called him a swearword. He came back to "deal" with me some more, and after a few minutes, I asked him to stop talking. He left to go read a book, and I started to write this blog.


We are not able to pay rent this month. I don't know how we will. Todd doesn't have a plan, and I am left to choose between buying groceries and paying rent.


I am NOT having a good day.

About this time...

I would be finding out if we would be having a boy or girl. We both wanted a girl with Rylin, and were very happy to get her. We wanted a boy next.

So it's really hard to hear all the October Moms reveal they are ALL having boys.

It opens a wound that hasn't completely healed.

Raw. Hurting.

And still not pregnant.

Still Not Pregnant

So this morning and all its wonderfulness got even better with the knowledge that I am not pregnant. Still. Again. I would have been due on Christmas Eve! Not now.

One more month wasted. One more month of waiting.

It was hard not yelling at my well-meaning cousin on Sunday when I was admiring a newborn at the party we were at. I said, "Aww I miss Rylin being this little." She told me, "Just have another one!" If only it were that easy.

As I was in the middle of telling a friend my sad news today, she was excitedly trying to show me a picture of her positive pregnancy test.

Sigh.

Glum.

At least she isn't due in October.

Sour Grapes

Every day lately it seems as if I am being served sour grapes while other women are getting babies.

All the other October expecting moms are starting to share their news now that it's "safe" to. I kid you not, I have found out about three within the last week. One of them even has my due date. One of them wasn't even trying.

I want to be happy for them, and part of me is, but a bigger part of me scowls.

It's not fair.

More than half of my cousins on BOTH sides of my family and one of my sister-in-laws are having babies this year. I read the "Preggo Bunch" list in Relief Society every week, and I sulk at any new addition.

Good for them.

A few days after the miscarriage, I got called to provide a meal for a sister who just had a baby. Talk about bad timing. "Sorry you just lost your baby, but can you help out someone who is more fortunate than you?"

No, that is not what she said, nor did she probably have any idea what I was going though at the time, but it felt like a slap in the face.

Good for her.

I know this isn't how I should feel. Yes, I am throwing myself a pity party. No, I don't know how to start feeling better. Yes, part of me worries that Heavenly Father won't allow me to be pregnant until I repent and/or make things better with Todd. But that crack-head down the street is going to have an October baby. And I am not.

OK, there's no crack-head down the street (that I know of), but you know what I mean.

It sucks.

And I want to feel better about all of this. And I want to have a friend's house nearby that I can go to when I have bad days. But I live in Rexburg. You make friends with people and they move away three months later and never talk to you again.

I tried making the best of it when we started out in our new married ward. I was chatty, friendly, helpful. Then everyone moved away. The new batch wasn't as nice.  

So now I am stuck in a town and state that I loathe. I have resisted putting roots down knowing that we are only here temporarily. I have no group of friends here. 

So I pour my heart out into a blog and air my dirty laundry on Facebook. And I find myself quoting Wicked.

"That's why I couldn't be happier
No, I couldn't be happier
Though it is, I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I anticipated
But I couldn't be happier
Simply couldn't be happier
Well - not "simply":
'Cause getting your dreams
It's strange, but it seems
A little - well - complicated
There's a kind of a sort of cost
There's a couple of things get lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed
Until you've crossed
And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still -
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
Who
Wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?"

I Should Have Known

*This entry contains information regarding blood and other pregnancy related details. Read at your own discretion.*


When we first joined the baby race as newlyweds, I had no idea how much planning was involved. People get pregnant all the time by accident, how hard could it be when it's on purpose?!

We thought we had things figured out in our first month of trying. We knew everything hinged upon knowing when you ovulate. The week my period was due, we anxiously waited for that second line to appear. It never did, but my period did ten days late.

We were crushed. What went wrong? Was our math incorrect? Why was I that late?? I was regular at 28-30 days for the last 15+ years. There are only twelve times in a year I can get pregnant, not good odds. How could I go through this every month?!

Fortunately our disappointment only lasted that one month. Nine months later our beautiful little girl was born. We know we were so fortunate to have her so soon when other couples we know had been trying for years. I guess part of me thought we would never have problems conceiving.

I always wanted my children to be spaced 18-24 months apart. Then I had Rylin and did the math. 4 kids would mean they would share a birthday month with a sibling at some point. So last summer I did what I do best and planned when each of my future children would be born. I kid you not, I still have the list. Wanting to avoid summer babies at at all costs, I planned on baby #2 this fall in October preferably. Have you seen baby Halloween clothes?! SO adorable. It's my favorite month, and the timing fit perfectly into my new 20-22 month spacing.

A baby in October means conception in January-ish. Todd didn't want wait until January, and was suggesting November. That meant an August baby. I vetoed that and offered December instead. September was no October, but WAY better than August. So I agreed to December.

When my period was ten days late around Christmas, I started getting worried. We had been careful! This was not part of my plan!! I had a fertility app on my phone and had things down to the day. With relief and twinge of guilt for being relieved, my period started the next day. No August baby for me!! Then I started wondering how this new date would affect things. After some quick calculations, I happily discovered that if I got pregnant in either of my next cycles I would have my October baby! I planned out my month accordingly.

When testing time arrived, we had several negative results. Not quite sure if the timing was right for us, I prayed and told Heavenly Father that it was His will for us to be pregnant again at this time, then it was OK with me. The NEXT morning, January 24th, the test came back positive. We were too excited to keep it a secret. We told everyone at work and on Facebook. Todd and I talked about waiting to spread the news until we knew if his sister was pregnant again or not. She was and due in July, so we felt we were in the clear. We were pregnant again after ten days late the month before again. We had no reason to worry.

Though I couldn't shake this thought in my head that we should wait to tell everybody until after the first ultrasound. I shook it off as pregnancy paranoia. Still I found myself thinking about miscarriages and saying the word a lot. It surprised me every time it happened. I had never been like this before. I would say, "We thought about waiting to tell people, but everyone would know if I had a miscarriage anyway, so what's the point in waiting?" The word had never even entered my pregnant vernacular before. It was so far from my mind with Rylin. Why was it so present now??

Still, I went about my business at home and work and scheduled my first midwife appointment. I joined the October 2011 Babies message board. I created a pregnancy ticker. All the while having pregnancy cravings, hunger, bladder, dreams, and emotions.

Things got really, really stressful at work. Those problems are worthy of their own entry, but they were enough to start affecting my well-being. I started to worry about my baby and pregnancy being harmed. The stress didn't let up. Todd and I fought. Badly. I broke a chair in anger. I started to wonder if we were ready to have another child. Part of me wished and vocalized that we weren't pregnant again yet. A teeny, tiny part of me, but it was still there.

For whatever reason, Todd and I both hadn't connected to this new little life yet. It didn't seem real yet. I would forget I was pregnant at times. Then I would just about lose my lunch and remember.

Friday, February 11th was a bad day. All day long at work I was busy, busy, busy trying to get caught up on a month of tasks. At one point I felt like I was "leaking" but there as long as there wasn't blood I wasn't worried. It was stressful at home after work trying to get everything ready to head to Utah that evening. I was just about ready to start packing and stopped for the first time in hours to go to the bathroom.

Then there was blood. Not just a little. And cramping. My heart sank. I kept staring down at the blood, not believing what I saw, willing it not to not be there. I started processing what was going on. Damage control. How bad was the bleeding? Enough to warrant a call to the midwife and not drive to Utah. I talked to Todd through the bathroom door and relayed the information he needed to give the answering service.

An hour later she was done delivering some other lucky lady's baby and got back to us. I remember being angry at that mother for making ME wait to hear what I already knew. The midwife told me to gauge the bleeding and pain. If it was bad, then head to the ER. If not, see the doctor in the morning. It wasn't bad. Scary, but not bad. Meanwhile my mind was screaming, "Any blood is bad!!!!"

We made the necessary phone calls, and decided to relax as much as we could for the night. I stood up to move to the other room and felt it. Something with weight to it left my body. I went back into the bathroom and braced myself for the worst. I had read accounts of mothers passing their unborn child and expected the same. Nothing looked unusual to me except for a tiny, translucent sac. I knew instantly what it was and prepared to see a blueberry-sized baby in, near, or around it. But to my relief, I did not. But I knew. My baby was gone. There in front of me was its life support system. Even if it survived the bleeding, without that being inside of me, it could not.

I continued bleeding and cramping through the night. Todd gave me a blessing, but his words were not surprising to me. "I can't promise things will turn out exactly as you want them to, but Heavenly Father loves you and is very aware of what you are going through."

The next morning, the doctor confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. He was not able to find an embryo nor a gestational sac. I told him what I had seen the night before and agreed with my conclusion. My worry about finding the embryo was put to rest because he said it was either microscopic or has been absorbed already. He said we probably had a miscarriage very early on, but for whatever reason it was just now manifesting. We asked some more questions and headed home.

Numb.

That's all I felt and still do three days later. How am I supposed to feel? Angry? At whom? God? Myself? Relieved? Why? Why even get pregnant if it just terminates? What am I supposed to learn from that? Sad? Angry at myself for being sad about losing not just a baby but my October baby? Worried? We don't have much wiggle room in my baby time-line. Todd and I are older than most starting their families. Emotion overload. Shorted out. Numb.

A cousin of mine had a miscarriage last year and she mentioned she was so thankful for the Atonement after things settled down. I kept wondering what does the Atonement have to do with a miscarriage? Usually I tie sin and forgiveness to the Atonement, not something so sad as a miscarriage. On the way to the doctor's office I thought about my sweet cousin and wondered about the correlation of the Atonement again. Very clearly the answer came to me, "You're about to find out."

Over the weekend I sat around doing nothing. It was all I could manage. I couldn't and wouldn't talk to anybody because I didn't want to say everything over and over again. I also didn't want to cry every time someone told me they were sorry. I couldn't go on that roller coaster of emotion. I needed to process what was happening.

A miscarriage?! ME?! Sure they are common enough and 20-40% of all pregnancies end up so. But my mom never had one. My grandmother never had one. I had two successful pregnancies with hardly any complications and obviously no problems getting pregnant. I should be able to dodge this bullet with my eyes closed.

So I did a lot of thinking. And none of this makes things easier, but it helps explain some of the mixed feelings I have been experiencing.

I should have known when my middle of the night trips to the bathroom stopped.

I should have known when my unfathomable cravings for Cheetos and Nutty-bars disappeared.

I should have known when my face cleared up and my boobs no longer hurt and I wasn't so exhausted all the time.

I should have known when neither Todd nor I could completely believe we were pregnant.

I should have known because part of me always did.