Scary

*This entry contains information regarding blood and other pregnancy related details. Read at your own discretion.*



I've written before that it's hard to be overly excited when you're pregnant after a loss. Every twinge or odd sensation sends me off into a spin of, "What was that?! Am I losing the baby?!"

It's especially bad because I know the stress is not good for myself or the baby. Telling yourself to calm down just doesn't seem to work. Distraction sometimes does.

I've been having a few episodes of what is called "spotting" or otherwise seeing blood when you're not supposed to. I called the Midwife and been directed twice now within the last month to come in and get checked out. Both times they have determined everything is "OK" and I might just have to deal with this throughout my entire pregnancy.


Awesome.


At least part of the making-sure-everything-is-fine process meant I got another ultrasound and saw the tiny little heart beating away. I also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. It's "high" at about 160 which in old wives' tales means it's a girl. I'm OK with that. :) I hope we can wait to find out. Maybe. Part of me is worried the tech might blurt it out or not have us look away at the right time.

The nausea hasn't let up as much as I hoped. I am officially at the start of my 2nd trimester when everything is "supposed" to ease up. Meh. It's for sure not as frequent (meaning all day every day), but it's still often enough and severe enough to take me out of commission.

All that being said, I am so so so so so SO grateful that I am pregnant again, even with all the grossness. I continue to have friends and family members that are struggling with infertility and my heart aches for them. Infertility sucks, and there's really nothing that can be said to ease that pain.

So I will put my big-girl pants on and deal with the heartburn and the nausea and the bloating and the cravings and the exhaustion, because I know it is all. So. Worth. It.