Every day lately it seems as if I am being served sour grapes while other women are getting babies.
All the other October expecting moms are starting to share their news now that it's "safe" to. I kid you not, I have found out about three within the last week. One of them even has my due date. One of them wasn't even trying.
I want to be happy for them, and part of me is, but a bigger part of me scowls.
It's not fair.
More than half of my cousins on BOTH sides of my family and one of my sister-in-laws are having babies this year. I read the "Preggo Bunch" list in Relief Society every week, and I sulk at any new addition.
Good for them.
A few days after the miscarriage, I got called to provide a meal for a sister who just had a baby. Talk about bad timing. "Sorry you just lost your baby, but can you help out someone who is more fortunate than you?"
No, that is not what she said, nor did she probably have any idea what I was going though at the time, but it felt like a slap in the face.
Good for her.
I know this isn't how I should feel. Yes, I am throwing myself a pity party. No, I don't know how to start feeling better. Yes, part of me worries that Heavenly Father won't allow me to be pregnant until I repent and/or make things better with Todd. But that crack-head down the street is going to have an October baby. And I am not.
OK, there's no crack-head down the street (that I know of), but you know what I mean.
It sucks.
And I want to feel better about all of this. And I want to have a friend's house nearby that I can go to when I have bad days. But I live in Rexburg. You make friends with people and they move away three months later and never talk to you again.
I tried making the best of it when we started out in our new married ward. I was chatty, friendly, helpful. Then everyone moved away. The new batch wasn't as nice.
So now I am stuck in a town and state that I loathe. I have resisted putting roots down knowing that we are only here temporarily. I have no group of friends here.
So I pour my heart out into a blog and air my dirty laundry on Facebook. And I find myself quoting Wicked.
"That's why I couldn't be happier
No, I couldn't be happier
Though it is, I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I anticipated
But I couldn't be happier
Simply couldn't be happier
Well - not "simply":
'Cause getting your dreams
It's strange, but it seems
A little - well - complicated
There's a kind of a sort of cost
There's a couple of things get lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed
Until you've crossed
And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still -
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
Who
Wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?"
Jena, I'm so sorry that you are going through this! I know it must be tough. I had a hard time when I was trying to get pregnant with Aedan and everyone but me seemed to be getting pregnant... and I didn't have a miscarriage on top of it. I wish I had some wonderful advice for you. All I can say is to hug & kiss Rylin and think of what a blessing she is. When it's time, you'll have another baby which doesn't help you now but maybe it'll give you hope. :) If you need a friend you can always call me. I know I'm far away but I'm here for you.
ReplyDeleteOh, and it would have been nice to have you there Sunday! We played Mafia. :)
Jena, as family we should be there for each other so you don't feel alone! I had the same experience in Rexburg so I didn't make friends and I still hate living in this state (except now my ward friends don't move away). I hate to hear about anyone hurting and I'm deeply sorry about the miscarriage. It's awful when our fears come true. Why don't you come visit? My mom is here and we'd love to see you anytime! London's birthday is April 16 and Linsey and heather are coming up for it so you're definetly invited to come to that. We'll bless Logan May 1st and we'd love to have you there for that too! Besides you still need to get Rylin's outfit from when I watched her. Any ways, i'm hoping we can be a support to eachother. :)
ReplyDeleteEverything you said, I have felt those exact same feelings before. (well probably not exact, because everyone feels things differently, but close!) I'm sorry you were asked to provide a meal. As a presidency we had no clue you had a miscarriage, it's hard to know those kind of personal things sometimes. When I first got called to R.S. back in August there were like 5 women who were having babies in a 2 week period and I had to organize meals for all of them and even made several meals myself. It was extremely hard for me to care for all these women while I was dealing with my issues of not having a baby. AND at the same time my step-mom, and my two older sisters were pregnant at the same time. And none of them had even really tried. It was a total slap in my face. Just a few days ago I was asking my mom about ovulation and counting days on the calendar and stuff like that and she told me "Oh, I don't really know anything about that. I've never had to figure it out, all of you guys just 'happened'" She even said that with me she was taking birth control when she got pregnant with me. What the heck!? I don't understand why the people who don't really want kids or who don't care one way or the other are always the ones who get pregnant the easiest. While the people who desperately want one struggle the most. It's just plain not fair. Anytime you want to hang out and have a girlfriend to talk to, I am here for you! I wish I would've known sooner what you were going through, because everything you have to say is really helpful to me. It's nice to know other women nearby who struggle like I do.
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