Hello blogosphere. This is the other half of Monkeys and Peaches. I'm had a bit of time to think tonight. I have some questions. Maybe you can help me answer them, oh great entity of self reflection by rhetorical public evaluation:
Who am I any more? Why am I here? How did I get here? Who should I blame?
I don't know myself anymore.
I talked to my little sister Em today. She related an experience where she was talking about where she was from to a group of BYU freshman: Huntington Beach. She was asked if she surfed, which is generally the first question anyone asks when told by the conversant that they from there. She said she didn't very much but her older brother (me) did. Her new acquaintances swooned and asked if I was single. That bothers me.
It isn't the freshman. It isn't the commitment I have to one wonderful woman. It bothered me because reminded me of who I used to be... what.. five years ago now? Before baby, before marriage, before ministering in Ohio. I remember surfing. I remember my dreams. I remember being in shape. I remember being able to express my freedom when and where I pleased. I remember being able to shake things up in my life and allow change to wash over me like the cleansing salty white water of big wave while I paddled out. I miss being just a bit of an uncertain tomorrow. I miss the ocean. I miss being able to change things. I think that is how I gained reassurance I was in control of my life. If I didn't like something about myself, or how I lived, I changed it! I packed up and left at anytime I wished.
I've been feeling the nostalgia for a bit now, so I watched an old friend of mine. A movie called: Blue Crush. Nostalgia took me 'over the falls'. Oh.. the beach. The waves. This movie was playing a LOT when I worked for surf theater down on the pier. I used to have to check it, and watch it to some degree every three hours, every day, for at least a month. I realized I haven't thought about anything before the baby was born in a loooong time. It hasn't existed for me. I have been singular in focus and purpose. Graduate so I can make Jena happy.
On to my point:
My facebook post today is: Sometimes I forget how to eat an Elephant. The last month I've been dumbfounded at my tasks and goals. I've been hesitating in working on them because they seemed pretty insurmountable. Like eating an Elephant. But if you know the saying, the answer is: one bite at a time. It's a comment about how to achieve the impossible.
But then, now that I'm over one of the smaller mountains in my task list, I have suddenly realized I've been too focused on taking each bite at a time to see where I'm standing. Even if I've been hesitating at taking that bite, it's still all I've been seeing for years now. And why am I eating this thing anyway? Where am I? Who am I anymore? I used to be fun loving. I used to be about going out and exploring the world, and at a moments notice too. I used to like to push the edge. I was independent, I was ruthless. I was unconquerable. I used to enjoy a healthy bit of fear and uncertainty.
Somewhere in there, I gave it up. I submitted. I allowed myself to be the conquered. I willing exchanged all of it. I gave up dreams, life style, freedom. Did I give it up for some thankless existence? I suppose it's an equal partnership in that, I'm no great exemplar. But I also happily gained so much too... I think.... Maybe I need to write a list of what I've gained in exchange... Hrm.
But now my day consists of being 'managed'. Ensuring my responsibilities have been met, and my manager's expectations are met. For the longest time I was happy with even my new position in life! I suppose the saying is in Star Wars Revenge of the Sith is true: "So this is how liberty dies... with thunderous applause. " That makes a lot of sense, probably the only thing in the whole movie.
But somewhere in eating this beast of a life I've made, I stopped smiling too. I lost myself to the day to day grind. I became narrow minded, and singularly focused. And that focus seems to be to make one person happy, and that person just isn't. Sometimes no matter what I do. Succeed in school, work, whatever. Still they aren't happy. I feel like I'm slowly being ground down with mediocrity.
So what makes me happy? Well, lately it's been holding and playing with Rylin. It's the happiest part of my day. Hugging her and having her hug me back. I miss having that else where. I miss excitement. I miss challenge.
Is this the life I live now? Is this who I am now? I want to paddle out. I want to search and discover. The wanderlust aches a bit more than normal today. But then I should be home by five. Why did I allow myself to arrive here where I am so limited by a thing like a self imposed curfew? Can I be happy again here? Is this where I belong? Am I the same guy that ditched the later quarter of his senior year to go surfing and still graduated with a 3.0?
I've spent the last several hours looking through old photos. I can see why Jena likes to live in the past so much. Our honeymoon, our wedding day, the day we moved into our new apartment. Those aren't the faces we wear now. I'm curious if this is a good of a bad thing?
I've certainly grown. I'm all responsible now. I think I am still happy somewhere. But perhaps it's time to bring some of the old me back. Others wont like that. I'll have to say no to some things. Maybe I shouldn't then. Saying only no brings more contention... and there is only one place contention comes from.
Maybe instead it's time to re-evaluate a few things. Look inward and do a bit of a spiritual journey by myself. I have another limiter on my life lately to though. My stomach has seemingly been driving this train. I'm about to drop a few classes because of it. Maybe I can restructure some priorities, attempt some inner discoveries while I'm at it.
Maybe I need to walk'bout a bit, so I can appreciate better what I have at home. I have so many wonderful things here. Yes.. I think I can re-find being happy. After all, I'm responsible for my own attitude and therefore, capacity for being happy. There is only one person to blame.
- Monkey
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