Bloom Where You Are Planted

Last night I dreamt that I was at a big gathering of various people I have known from camp, Disney, high school, etc. I was enjoying spending time with everyone, when something unexpected but not unwanted happened. The guy I had a major crush on in high school walked up behind me and simply said, “Jena.” For whatever reason, I had not planned on seeing him there. The way he said my name though, brought back a memory of a conversation that he and I had some time prior to this event. We had arranged that if he should show up, we would speak privately about some great new epiphany and outlook on life he now had. His hair was unkempt and he had three earrings: one thick, dime-sized loop in each ear, and some sort of round metal stud in just the left. It was odd, especially for him. This guy was and is a squeaky clean individual. I wanted to ask if he was still married, but couldn’t muster the courage to do so. At this point in my dream (you know how dreams are), I was single and hoping he was now available.

As we walked towards a tripped-out version of the Haunted Mansion I linked my arm through his and laid my head on his shoulder. Aside from the crush, he and I were very good friends in real life and this would not have been uncommon for me to do. After we finally boarded our omnimover and chatted for a bit about this and that, he informed me about his life-changing thought process. His mantra had become, “I want to have fun.” No matter what, he was determined to live a life full of fun (whatever that meant, including the earrings) and free of obligation or worries about consequences. This was not quite the earth-shaking revelation I expected. But he was still my crush and I hoped his new life was going to include me. During this “ride” and over the next few dream hours, I tried multiple times to tell him about my feelings for him. Something always interrupted me though. I became very frustrated at all these nuisances and kept trying to exit from whatever area we had stumbled into.

Dream cut to the chapel I went to as a kid. I was no longer single and was now married to Todd and had Rylin. I was still trying to talk to my crush as we sat on a table in the foyer. The interruptions this time came in the form of my husband and daughter smiling and approaching us. I introduced them to each other and then more children kept appearing that somehow were mine as well.

Dream cut to my current living room. I was now widowed :( and was playing on the floor with Rylin while my crush sat on the couch. Finally I was able to get the words out, but not quite how I intended. Things had changed, and now instead of trying to get him to admit his feelings for me, all I wanted was to know one thing. So I asked him, “Did you know how I felt about you while we were in high school?” He looked away and replied that he did. And that was it. That’s all I needed to hear. I didn’t need to ask, “Then why didn’t you do anything about it?” because I already knew. He never asked me out because he didn’t feel the same way. It would have been unkind to lead me on, knowing how I felt about him. He knew that I would make much more out of a simple date than was ever intended.

The dream morphed into something else, but I don’t quite know what that bit means.

So it’s time for a little introspection.

I hated high school. I want to say that I didn’t, but it would be untrue. My sophomore year I was madly in love with the student body president (who wasn’t?). He is NOT the crush from the dream by the way. I somehow made friends, hung out, and ate lunch with the seniors just to be friends with him too. I didn’t stalk him or anything, but I am sure my infatuation was painfully evident. Obviously, nothing ever came of it, but I still had fun that year. Funny thing now, he won’t friend me on Facebook. Seriously? It was more than 15 years ago, Dude. I got over you that summer.

At the beginning of my junior year, I had no friends in my class though and quickly realized what a mistake I had made. I rectified the situation, but not in time for my 16th birthday to not be a disaster. None of my new friends remembered it was my birthday. Birthdays were a big deal in this group of friends. They threw surprise parties and would sing loudly in choir and again at lunch. Nobody said a word all day. At lunch, my crush from last night’s dream asked how the wedding of my Mom and new Step-Dad went the night before. I still want to know why they picked the NIGHT BEFORE MY 16th BIRTHDAY to get married. Really?? Why?! It was a Wednesday night! Anyway, back to the reminiscing. After he asked me about the wedding, I burst into tears. He could remember that, but not my birthday. He asked what was wrong, and I managed to blubber out why I was so sad. He quickly got everyone to sing to me, but I did not have a ‘happy’ birthday at all.

I could go on and on about various other disappointments during this time, but those are stories for another time. The point here is that my bad memories outweigh the good. The best and shining moments come through in the true friends I had. He was one of them. He understood and was there for me whenever crap was happening at home. He never judged me like others did for not being able to show up to certain events because I was grounded for no good reason. He pushed and pulled me to be a better person and at the end of our senior year told me I had done the same for him.

We kept in touch over the pre-Facebook years and ran in to each other in college. He was happily married and about to go through a very long and difficult journey in school. I moved away to California but we still e-mailed every once in a while. Once I got engaged, I sent invitations to everyone I knew. I only expected half of them to actually show. Most everyone had been married for some time now with growing families. We were cutting the cake and I turned to look at the crowd and there he was. I was shocked and speechless. After all these years, he is still a true friend.

I now have some of the things I always wanted in a husband that loves me and a beautiful daughter. So why do I still have feelings and dreams of unfulfilled wishes of my heart? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the ideal of what I thought I wanted in life/marriage compared to what I actually have. I read other people’s blogs and wonder if they are really that blissfully happy. Is that really possible? Don’t they ever feel short-changed in their life? Then I read my dear, sweet cousin’s thoughts about having a bad day. She seriously has it together and I only wish I could be more like her. Even in her worst moments, she inspires me.

So though I don’t have the marriage, body, job, ward, state, or life that I always wanted, I know that it is precisely what I need right now. It’s just up to me to “bloom where I am planted.”


- Posted from my iPhone