I Hate My Life

Not completely. But mostly.
I have already bemoaned the whole living-in-Idaho problem, so no need to go over that again.
The miscarriage and the resulting non-pregnant status have also been mentioned.
Oh, and nobody can forget my very public argument with my husband.
I have yet to discuss the problems with my mother…

So what else could there possibly be to complain about now you ask? Let’s find out.

I was lactose intolerant as a kid, but it magically went away as a teenager. It came back with a vengeance as an adult. No big deal there, except for the fact that I loooooooooove cheese. Have you met my Dad? Have you ever been to an Italian restaurant with me? Then you know of my inherited love affair with cheese. Any type except that nasty bleu stuff. Yuck. You can SEE the mold. I much prefer the slightly nutty flavor of freshly grated parmesan. Or a nice sharp cheddar. Or swiss straight up. You get the point. Fortunately, cheese and yogurt seem to have escaped the intolerance factor. But milk, ice cream, sour cream, anything else I have to either keep to very small portions or use Lactaid. Otherwise I am in pain for hours.

My gall-bladder throws temper tantrums. Last time it was checked, I had at least 3 stones. Ever since I had my first baby, my gall bladder has given me problems. I have gone to the emergency room twice because of the extreme pain and vomiting. I don’t throw up. Ever. I hate it. So when I do, I know something is very wrong. For example, my $7,000+ trip to the Emergency Room last Thanksgiving when they thought I had appendicitis (I didn't, thank goodness). Every other time they think I have the flu. Even after they test me at least two times and it comes out negative. “You probably just have some stomach virus.” Bollocks. They wanted to remove my gall bladder, but I wouldn’t let them. I have my own fears and concerns of surgery. Anyway, I have learned to modify my diet here as well. I can’t eat a lot of fried foods. Not that I did before, but especially now. Otherwise I am in pain for hours during the middle of the night.

I have mild hay fever in any state other than Idaho. It usually manifests with itchy eyes and lots of sneezing. Nothing terrible or needing medication though. Idaho, however, has lots and lots and LOTS of hay. They cut it down in the fall causing me to sneeze and have watery eyes which invariably ends up contracting into a sinus infection. Then all the snow melts exposing something new to me called “snow mold.” All the pollen/dust/etc. trapped under 4 feet of heavy, wet snow tends to mold over the long winters here. Then it gets released all at once into the air, sending my allergies into a spin again, and yep, another sinus infection. We’re not done yet! Now it’s planting time!! All that tilling of the earth sends even more stuff into the air. Repeat of steps 2 (allergies) and 3 (sinus infection). Have I mentioned I don’t like Idaho?!

I had very crooked teeth as a kid. I have a small mouth and big teeth. I thankfully had braces and they straightened out. That was 15+ years ago now. My teeth have slowly migrated away from that wonderful straightness. My retainers no longer fit, and I can't afford to get orthodontics in any form as my insurance does not cover it. I am getting a gap between my two front teeth that makes people think I have food stuck in there. :\ I press my tongue against it from behind during pictures so that it won't show. Because my teeth are taking on the properties of glaciers, they are usually sore. I take REALLY good care of them (OK I don't floss every single day, but who does?!) and still manage to have more cavities as an adult than I ever did as a child and didn't really care about dental hygiene, including when I had braces! Unless you power-wash those suckers, they are impossible to clean well. I had to get several fillings while I lived in California. I went through three dentists before I found one that at least spoke English as their first language. One of those fillings wasn't done properly, turned into an infection, and resulted in a very painful root canal. And then a crown. The weird stump of a tooth I had in the interim still brings a frown to my face. I started having nightmares about my teeth falling out. Sometimes I still do now. So every six months I wait to hear the inevitable news that I have another cavity. I once dared to ask my dentist, "Why, me?" and he told me I have bad genetics. Great. He also told me that if I hadn't been taking such good care of them, I would probably not have any more of my own teeth left. At 30. But NONE of this prepared me for the visit I had after Rylin was born. I think I squeaked by with no cavities in the previous check-up, so I was hopeful. ELEVEN CAVITIES. The number didn't register. It was outrageous. Incomprehensible. I cried as I was making the THREE appointments within three weeks it was going to take to fill all of them. How did this happen?! That was more than I have ever had in my entire life! Eventually my jaw healed from the onslaught of those appointments one year ago. My latest appointment? Yup, you guessed it. I had a cavity. I went in and they filled it. After he finished, I mentioned my floss was getting caught on one of my previous eleven, so he went back in and replaced it. Two for the price of one. Yippee. I couldn't talk for two hours thanks to the Novocaine on both sides of my face. At least my current dentist is a very nice man, and doesn't let me feel any pain during the procedure. But boy did my mouth hurt that night. 

My thyroid is on strike. It does not work. My brain recognizes this fact and sends a chemical to my thyroid to say, “Hey you. Wake up and do your job.” I go in every 6-8 weeks for them to measure this chemical in my blood. Normal level is 0.4. When they first tested me, my level was over 30. Basically my brain was screaming at my disinclined thyroid. My last level was at a 7. Which does reflect that they have been slowly increasing my level of medication to replace the hormone my thyroid is supposed to create, hence less screaming from the brain. I haven’t noticed any other changes though except I am GAINING weight instead of losing it. I won’t disclose my astronomical number here, but I now weigh 10 pounds MORE than what I did 9 months pregnant. So yes, 40+ pounds more than pre-pregnancy. Sad. So very, very heartbreakingly sad. Your thyroid basically IS your metabolism. Kaput thyroid = kaput metabolism.
I have always been self-conscious about my weight. I now know this hypothyroidism is genetic, but that doesn’t make me feel any better now that none of my clothes fit me anymore. Nor can I go back in time and help teenage me have better self-esteem. Oh and as a bonus, I have recently learned that thyroid problems lead to decreased libido (which explains a LOT of things the last two years), infertility/problems conceiving and REMAINING pregnant (hmm, sound familiar?), being warm all the time and sweating as a result (I sleep with maybe a sheet in the middle of winter and turn the AC on if it gets above 70 in the house), and the inability to maintain a healthy weight (B-I-N-G-O). I would watch carefully what I ate, do pilates/yoga and run 3x a week, and still could not get below a size 12. Yet I would watch so many thin girls eat like pigs, never ever workout, and not manage to gain a pound (and then whine about how “fat” they were).
It’s not fair. Really, really not fair. And yes I am complaining about this right now because it has always been a thorn in my side and something I have always battled and not ever been able to conquer. I was teased relentlessly about it as a child (when I wasn’t fat), and I am still suffering the effects of that treatment now. I know for a fact that I got passed over for dates because I was too curvy. I have had to live through my own personal hell that resulted from that awareness. I hate the way I look. I hate looking at myself in a mirror. I hate seeing recent pictures of myself and try not to have any taken. I hate going places where there are people that know how I looked 40+ pounds ago. I hate the unsaid comments I see in their eyes as they appraise me head to toe. I hate the same thoughts and judgment I have about other wonderful women out there. I hate the ones who don’t-even-try-but-still-are-skinny ones even more.

Today unveiled a new health concern: breathing problems. Last night while turning in to bed, I couldn’t seem to catch a full breath. I would breathe as deeply as I could, but never could manage to have that breath peak. So I started breathing more often and yawning to compensate for the missing oxygen. The problem carried over to today, so I went to the Doctor, and they have no idea what is causing it, except they are confident it is not asthma. It could be one or all of the above mentioned health issues. They also think it might be stress. So now I am taking a thyroid pill, allergy pill, and a stress pill, along with my daily vitamins. But while I am typing this, I still can’t breathe.

So what am I trying to say with all this? I mostly hate my life right now. No I don’t have anything life-threatening. Yes, I have a husband who loves me and a beautiful daughter and we are finally able to pay our bills. Things could be a lot, lot worse. And compared to some other people that I know and love, I am not going through things that an outside observer would say are much harder than what I am dealing with. But that does not minimize MY struggles in any way. They are very personal and are just as big to ME. I can’t seem to catch a break with these health problems.

Let’s hope the myriad of medications and my prescribed “wellness” plan do something. Soon.


- Posted from my iPhone